


What's in a Name? (or a life)

by BardicRaven



Category: iZombie (TV)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Introspection, Look At Your Life Look At Your Choices, Misses Clause Challenge, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-06 01:48:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5398283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BardicRaven/pseuds/BardicRaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liv Moore muses on her name and how she's lived up to it... or not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's in a Name? (or a life)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [in48frames](https://archiveofourown.org/users/in48frames/gifts).



I didn't fully appreciate my name until after I couldn't do it any more. I'd always regarded 'Olivia' as a trial, shortened it to 'Liv' as soon as I could get away with it, helped by the fact that a toddler isn't going to have the command of the English language an older child or adult would, and by the time I became both of those, Liv had already become so ingrained in everybody's mind, that it stuck.

It wasn't until after I'd become a zombie that the name 'Liv Moore' became a reminder of everything I'd probably never have again.

I hadn't appreciated my life when I had it. I'll admit that. What with medical school and life itself, I simply didn't have time to appreciate the small things. 

Like sleep. Like friends. Like family.

Like food.

No, it was all one big rush-rush-rush through my days, until I didn't have them any more. When all the time in the world became mine, or at least until I got hungry again and needed to find my next brain.

Ironically, losing options gave me options. I could choose to give up, become the monster my friend had turned into, until someone killed me, or I could choose to make the best of what I had, find some way to make a life out of this half-life and see if there was a way to become what I'd been.

Or at least the human part of it. I've realized that, as much as this life sucks at times, there are parts of it that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Ravi's friendship, for example. We started out as simply boss-and-employee, but we've become so much more. He's a good friend to me – the best. When old friends have literally run screaming in terror from me, he's not only kept my secret, but he's searching for a cure. Part of it is he's simply curious, of course, I get that, but there's the rest, the part that keeps him going when he could just as easily give up.

And that's the part I treasure. I don't think I had that before, or if I did, I certainly didn't recognize it for what it was. I was loved, I know that, but I don't think I was ever loved in that way before.

I know I certainly am not loved that way now, except by him.

And maybe Payton. Maybe. But even she had to go away to think about it.

Ravi's the only one who's stayed through all of it. Well, except for the time before. He didn't know me then.

And I wonder if there's something to that. That maybe who I was then and who I am now really are that different, that the friends I had then wouldn't, couldn't, be the friends I have now.

I'd like to think it means I've become a better person, but I don't know. But I've got time to find out now, time I know to treasure.

Because you never know what tomorrow will bring. 

O>>>\----------->

The cases I work constantly remind me of that. The bodies that come in. When they were alive, they didn't know that this was their last day, no more, this is it. No, they went on about their lives, carelessly confident that they'd have more time.

Until they didn't. I'm surprised the morgue isn't haunted by more than just my visions. So many ghosts. So much regret. So many lost opportunities. 

People who got up, went to work at jobs they hated, didn't tell the people they loved that they loved them, and thought that it didn't matter – they'd have more time to do it tomorrow.

And now tomorrow will never come and what do they have to show for it? 

I try not to succumb to melancholy - that way leads down a Path I hope to never walk again. 

But there are times when it's hard to find the point in life - when I'm cutting someone else open who's only crime was being in the wrong place at the wrong time, who has no more time for anything, the trivialities or the important stuff.

When I'm harvesting another brain so I can live this half-life that's all I've got these days. But, it really is better than the alternatives, or at least that's what I tell myself. And, I really am lucky. It could have been so much worse.

But, it could also be so much better. And that's when it gets hard. All the nights I spend alone, wishing for someone to be with. Someone that I didn't have to worry about hurting if we made love.

Someone like Julien.

He died. A Zombie like myself, killed when I hesitated to kill. I'd forgotten for a moment the thing about being a doctor - you have to know how to kill in order to heal.

I'd forgotten that, thought I could be above it, and a good man died. 

Again. 

And I was left alone.

Again.

And the irony of my name at that moment was almost too much to bear.

Almost.

But even in the middle of my darkest night, my deepest despair, I found hope. I'm not sure just what or where I found it, but I did. And then things got better.

And things will get better. I can't be like Major, living in hope of a cure, putting everything on hold for that maybe. But I also can't give up hope of a cure. Because if I do, then nothing else matters. 

If there's no hope, there's no point. For me or anyone else.

And I refuse to live that way, living-dead or otherwise.

O>>>\----------->

I'm doing my best to live up to my name these days. Live more. Be more of the things that count. 

I refuse to let the fact I'm half-dead keep me from living. I've seen too many people come across my table, across my plate, to take anything for granted any more, least of all, life.

I'm grateful for what I have, and if I want more, well, I hope that God, whoever or whatever S/He may be, will understand.

O>>>\-----------> O>>>\----------->


End file.
